I feel mean......

Today was another "day" with J.D. thanks to all of you that gave me some helpfull feedback, Jenn referred me to a book that I plan on going to Barnes & Nobles and finding tomorrow. All day J.D. just did one naughty thing after another. He would not listen to me at all....he ran out in the street and although I was screaming at him in a panicked tone saying" J.D. STOP please listen to mommy DANGER DANGER" he turned around and looked at me, smirked and kept running. It was beautiful out today and I was feeling a bit better so I took him outside to play. he was running after the ball that had gone into the street.... Thankfully the car that was coming stopped when the ball rolled out in the road. J.D. really scared me....I could tell people were waiting to see how I reacted as soon as I caught up to him....I grabbed him by the hand and firmly told him that the rd was dangerous and walked back to our yard. I nelt down to his eye level and pointed to the rd and repeated my "dangerous" speech. I then picked him up and told him we were going inside to sit in time out because he did not listen to mommy. He was ofcourse upset and I felt so bad, but knew I couldnt' let him get away with it. He was muddy from playing out side so I redirected him and asked him if he wanted to play with bubbles in the bath tub and he was ok with that. Long story short.....he ended up having a fit because he didn't want his hair washed and he got soap in his eye because he smacked my hand as I was trying to rince his hair. At that point I had enough.....I can honestly tell you how many times I have spanked him and they are less then the 5 fingers on one hand, but today he deserved it and I didn't give it a second thought. I'm not sure who cried harder after it him or me. Everyone has a personal opinion on spanking, but for me it goes deeper then all the political/legalistic/socially exceptable crap. I called his father and he actually came right away {he was at work} to help me out. I can not tell you the relief that washed over me as he walked through my door and said " babe are you ok? what happened? " J.D. responds so well to him, it's mind blowing. I sat and listened and watched as his father pointed to the street and explained why J.D. couldn't play in it and then he made J.D. pick up his room that he completely destroyed in anger b/c I put him in time out countless times today. Then he asked J.D. if he wanted mommy to be sad and J.D. looked at me and shook his head and said " no mommy sad." Then he came and gave me a huge hug...as if to say I'm sorry. I know it get's better....but to be honest I'm so sick of hearing people say it. I want it to be better now. I'm sick of being mean and fighting with him everyday. If you only knew how many times I told J.D. to pick up his room you would be sick....and to watch him respond to his father telling him once? I didn't know which to do first, punch a wall or cry. After that I went and crawled in bed feeling defeated. The harsh reality of me being a single mom and it having it's effects on J.D. were quite apparent to me today... and it literally made me sick to my stomach. Did I mention that today was his fathers days to have him but he had to work so I kept him? Part of me wants to think that he is to little to understand what days are what, but after seeing how he responded today i know he has been acting so naughty because he's mad that he is here with me and not with his Dad. His dad kept asking me what was wrong, why was I crying and so upset and everything within me wanted to say, "This is what's wrong....you not being here to help me is what's wrong. You cheating on me and lying to me saying we would be a family...and then leaving me to raise our son and work 2 jobs to survive while you do your own thing...that's what's wrong." But I couldn't.... I know that I need to be greatful that we are on good terms again and that he came and got J.D. when I needed him to. Seeing J.D. respond to him so well was like salt in open wounds for me.....

My point in sharing this is not only to do some much needed venting, but because I know I'm not the only one who has had days where the mom reaches her whitts end. So many people put up so many fronts and pretend to have the "perfect lives" and they "love being mom's" one mom even went so far as saying, " I love my child to much to hit him. If anyone reaches that point they should not be a parent". I hate to say it but all the mom's I'm thinking of are people from Church....not just my church either. I think I may be opening pandoras box by saying that but I'm being honest...and real and that it what this blog is for....

I feel like I'm mean because I have to tell him no and redirect him all the time and I know that he will understand eventually, but that's not much comfort for today. So mom's, do you have any tips? What do you do when you feel like your about to lose it? When you have a screaming child who is hitting and kicking you because you told them "no" to something that could hurt them? If your going to tell me to count don't bother because I tried it and it doesn't work.

Tomorrow is his 2nd birthday.....and he is with his father. I haven't planned anything because of everything else going on in my life, a large group of people is the last thing I can handle. Does that make me a bad mom? I was thinking of making cup cakes and having my sister and her kids over tomorrow for lunch and then doing the birthday thing after and making it a small family affair. I will let you know how it goes....